The Prodigal Curator
Published on 9 Jul 2008 at 11:19 pm.
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Greetings, loyal patron(s). Welcome back! We apologize for our abrupt disappearance. There was a speck of drama in the administrative offices, but most of the Museum staff were released on parole earlier this week (some, who shall remain nameless, cough*TammyInAccounting*cough are undergoing some well-deserved state-sponsored rehabilitation), so we can finally get back to business.
We would be remiss if we were to gloss over the entire situation, so before we move forward, we must go back. As you may remember, we recently announced a very exciting project involving Miss West Virginia, Shelby Free. Miss Shelby is one of the contestants hand-selected to compete in the 2008 Best in Drag pageant and we have the honor of creating a spectacular gown for the occasion! Best in Drag is one of Aid for Aids biggest and most entertaining fundraisers. Last year, the event raised $300,000 to help those living with AIDS. Be sure to go to Shelby’s website, click “Donations” on the left sidebar and give until it’s glamorous! (Be sure to include Shelby’s name on your donation as requested on the Donations page.)
Since the gown is made entirely of beer cans and acrylic yarn, is it any wonder than events spiraled into chaos so quickly and with such thundering force? Upon reflection, it may not have been the best idea to involve Tammy with the likes of one Winnebago Lynn McCoy. Winnie Lynn was the Co-Acting Director-at-Large of our Historic Textiles department, and she was heading up this exciting gown project. We thought that Tammy and Winnie’s “shared interests” would bond them, but as it turns out, one of their more recent shared interests happened to be Vinnie in Security. Needless to say, an argument ensued and when it was all over, we were left with a ragged pile of blond hair extensions, a number of bloodied, broken acrylic fingernails, and oddly, a satin thong.
As it turns out, Winnie was actually a fugitive on the run from the law in West Virginia, of all places! Upon further investigation, we learned that she was one of Shelby Free’s arch enemies, sworn to do whatever she could to get back at her childhood nemesis. She was planning to sabotage Shelby’s dress in order to embarrass her at the pageant! Luckily, her nefarious plan was thwarted and we can now continue work on the dress.
As the curator of the Museum, I have decided to personally oversee the construction with the aid of my Help Meet, Jon. Please enjoy these photos documenting this challenging, but rewarding task.
Getting down to business, I decided to attack from the front.
Delicate shoulder straps will give this a frock a feminine touch.
I added a feminine touch all my own. It was all in the name of committing to a cup size. We went with a full C.
My husband gave it a decidedly masculine touch. Truth be told, Jon is the one who worked out the best way to handle the bust shaping. Beer cones!
Thank you for your continued patronage and for your generous donations to the Best in Drag show! More updates and a new MOKS gallery coming soon! And if Tammy calls you (the office Rolodex has come up missing and she’s got hiding crevices that the warden hasn’t even thought of), do NOT send her rum cake with a file in it. It is NOT “part of her program”. Ask us how we know.
Stitchy McYarnpants
Creator, Curator
Museum of Kitschy Stitches
And the Winner Isn’t . . .
Published on 6 May 2008 at 12:42 pm.
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The 2008 Webby Award Winners have been annouced!
The winner of the juried award is: Passive-AggressiveNotes.com
Congrats to a worthy competitor. Here is my first submission. Maybe I can be part of an award-winning website after all. 
There’s No Place Like Fifth!
Published on 30 Apr 2008 at 1:42 am.
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As the last day for voting in the People’s Voice Awards approaches (last day to vote is May 1st!), we’re once again joined by the incorrigible Hipsey Twins, Hazel and Harold.
Last year they gave us an eye-opening look at the Webby Awards and this year, they’ll be presenting their analysis on this years’ competition and our chances of securing last place. It’s looking good!
Let’s begin by reminding everyone about how the voting works. Harold, its been a year since we last spoke. Surely you’ve had time to really think about this subject and you appear to have the notes we wrote for you with the proper answers. So tell us, Harold, how can patrons of the Museum vote for us in the People’s Voice Awards? Please read the sentence marked “#1”.
I don’t need to go #1. I already did. Before.
Hazel? Little help?
Sure thing! If readers feel that the Museum of Kitschy Stitches is deserving of their vote, they can sign up at the People’s Voice website and find our ballot in the first section called “Connection” in the “Weird” category.
Registration is quick and easy, and definitely worth the time to help support someone whose very sanity lies in the balance.
Terrific! Umm . . wait, what was that about someone’s sanity?
Oh nothing, just a little joke.
Hey, I know a joke! Knock knock!
. . .
I said Knock knock!
~sigh~ Who’s there?
I’m a pileup!
I’m a pileup Who?
Ha ha ha ha!! Pile of poo! Ha ha ha. You said pile of poo! You’re a pile of poo!!
Great. So Hazel, despite her efforts, it seems that the curator of the museum can’t seem to catch a break in this competition. What do you think is her biggest hurdle? Is it her lack of commitment to regular posting? Is her material getting stale? Are people actually starting to like crocheted pantsuits and no longer wish to see them mocked? Or MOKed, as it were?
I believe that all of those are definitely issues. Ms. McYarnpants certainly isn’t prolific, is she? She simply can’t keep up with her competition. It’s been rumored that the museum’s entire “staff” is merely an invention. A literary apparition, if you will. I heard she has a desk job in an office and has been actually threatening her co-workers with bodily harm if they don’t vote for her. I recommend they empty their staplers and maybe bring in their own tea bags for a few weeks.
Quite simply, Ms. McYarnpants needs to step up her game.
I found a outfit made of granny squares for a cat in Stitchy’s garbage can! She said she was going to try to compete this year by forcing her aminals into little outfits and making funny words to go with it. She was all scratched up and bloody. I think it didn’t work.
Interesting. And sad. Well, thank you kids. Do you have any final thoughts on the Webby Awards and the MOKS nomination?
Stitchy stinks.
Simply being nominated for a Webby Award is quite an honor and I don’t think the museum is looking this gift horse in the mouth. Ms. McYarnpants has gained a lot of readers from her new exposure and has actually had some lovely email interactions and gotten some amazing feedback that have really made all the hard work worthwhile. In the end, it’s all about making people happy.
Hazel, you’re a dork. Kitties are a million times better that this pileup who. Can we look at some cute animals now?
Well, that was another very insightful conversation with at least half of the Hipsey Twins. And don’t forget, there’s still time to help the museum make a push for fourth place! Vote now and vote often!
Dear -insert your name here-
Published on 13 Apr 2008 at 6:11 pm.
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A Message to our Valued Patrons,
We at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches would like to welcome you to our hallowed halls. If you’re a long time visitor, welcome back. If you’ve just found us, come on it and take a look around. We’ve got a little something to horrify everyone. Whether you’re a passive-aggressive pet lover,
or just enjoy a little clown-on-clown violence,
you’ve found the right place. Let your kitsch flag fly!
We would also like to take the opportunity to make a couple of exciting announcements while you’re here. Firstly, we are pleased to announce that Winnie Lynn McCoy and the rest of the staff in our Historic Textiles department have embarked upon a truly worthwhile effort. We have teamed up with the lovely and talented Miss West Virginia herself, Shelby Free! She is one of the contestants hand-selected to compete in the 2008 Best in Drag pageant and we have the honor of creating a spectacular gown for the occasion. Everyone at the MOKS is buzzing with excitement (and lewd drunkenness) as her gown will be a revealing little number constructed entirely of crocheted Budweiser beer cans and red acrylic yarn! Construction has begun and we’ve already made arrangements for the staff to be finished with rehab in time to make the event in October in lovely Los Angeles. Stay tuned for updates and photos of our progress. (Yes, this is actually true.)
In other news, we have once again been nominated for a Webby Award! We hare honored to be in such great company in the Weird category. Last year, we had a very stimulating conversation with Hazel Hipsy about the process. Her twin brother Harold partook in the conversation as well. Once again, we ask that if you enjoy our little museum, you vote for us in the People’s Voice portion of the contest. Our voting page can be found by clicking here, or looking under the “Connections” category of the voting page. We’re in the sub-category called “Weird”. You do have to sign up to vote, but it only takes a few minutes and would mean the world to us.
We look forward to talking about the implications of a second nomination with Hazel very soon. Hopefully Harold will have other plans.
Thank you all for stopping by, please stay and enjoy the mess we have created.
Stitchy McYarnpants
Museum of Kitschy Stitches
Creator and Curator
Knock Knock
Published on 8 Apr 2008 at 1:12 pm.
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Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad you aren’t one of these sad sacks of tangerine-colored despair?
(I like to think that the reason the man’s sweater has no buttons was because they popped of as he rent his garment in angst.)
You know, I open up old knitting magazines for a bit of zippy fun and a few laughs at the expense of others. But all of a sudden, I have to find the one that’s edited by Sylvia Plath’s crafty and slightly more depressed sister.
Part of me wants to make jokes about Clementines and Tangellos colliding to form an unholy alliance of color and texture, and the other part wants to find these two and help them out with some neutral tones and an ice cream sundae.
I’m getting soft, people. But now is not the time to be soft. I just found out that I’ve been nominated for another Webby Award (once again, in the “Weird” category)! And I must steel myself for a double ass-kicking as I go up against Cute Overload (who soundly trounced me last year) AND I Can Has Cheeseburger.
Jesus. Can’t a girl catch a break?
I need a drink. An orange one.
Its Allergy Season
Published on 6 Apr 2008 at 10:19 pm.
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If she’d known that the elephant had a proclivity for violent sneezing fits, she wouldn’t have worn her new white dress to the circus.
Steaming Pile of Knit
Published on 25 Jan 2008 at 1:45 am.
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Renowned gastrointestinal sculptress, Ileum McManus, has once again rocked the craft world and we at the MOKS are proud to be able to show you the latest work to emerge from her ground-breaking movement.
Poopy Dog is study in the delicate balance of color, texture, and digestive prowess. Her liberal use of fiber, both acrylic and dietary, have secured her place in the annals of the art history and kept her regular for years.
What’s next for McManus? She wouldn’t say, but we did notice some prunes and alpaca in her tote bag. We’re hoping she took our hint about needing a draft stopper for the front door of the Mueum’s lobby.
Jaw-Breaking News!
Published on 12 Jan 2008 at 1:24 am.
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After many long years of waiting, survivors from the wreckage of the Good Ship Lollipop have been found and rescued!
What started as a sweet trip to a candy shop ended in tragedy as the G.S. Lollipop went down in flames on a sunny beach somewhere in the Peppermint Bay area of the West Indies. There would be no happy landing on a chocolate bar for them, no bon-bons would play on that fateful day. Rescue teams failed to find the caramelized fuselage and gave up the search after two weeks.
When survivors were interviewed, they told fantastic tales of lemonade stands everywhere, crackerjack bands filling the air, and sugar bowls doing the tootsie roll. Blood tests revealed that the water they’d been drinking was tainted with hallucinogenic fungus residue. Claims that some crew members had been overtaken by a big bad devil’s food cake remain under investigation and a team of physicians are looking into complaints of people waking with tummy aches. No one wants to invoke the “C” word, but rumors of rampant cannibalism on the island are swirling.
Due to their steady diet of sugary treats, the survivors were amazingly hyper when they were found. They greeted rescuers with a choreographed dance routine that employed not only jazz hands, but jazz feet. The buzzing castaways made due with what they had and with ingenuity that could only be inspired by eating entire fistfuls if Pixie Stix dust, they spun and knitted yarn using crates of cotton candy from the cargo hold. Their encampment resembled a nudist colony during the rainy season, but their resolve to remain clothed never wavered and they continued to fashion more candy clothing as the weather allowed.
