Museum of Kitschy Stitches

Warming Hearts – One Globe at a Time

Published on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:21 pm. 10 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

They dreamed of a day when all natural fibers, and all of nature itself, would be a thing of the past. Mere remnants of an inconvenient age where cotton had to grow and be picked, sheep had to be shorn, and cows had to be…well, thunked on the head and peeled, they imagined.

Their plan to destroy the earth’s bounty grew from their love of easy-to-care-for acrylic, polyester and naugahyde. Even their wigs and false eyelashes were made of wind-resistant orlon. And soon their daily regime of aerosol sprays and backyard plastic bonfires would render the world safe from stains and wrinkles.

It was the only way.

The way into the future!

Dear Santa

Published on 24 Dec 2008 at 3:31 pm. 9 Comments.
Filed under Christmas, MOKS.

Dear Santa,

It’s been a busy year here at the Museum. You wouldn’t believe the number of meetings it takes to come up with excuses for not putting together any new exhibitions in months. That alone took up almost two thirds of our Executive Breakfast Treats budget! Then we had to drink all that beer to make that gown, and the extra time in rehab delayed our yearly Team Building Exercise retreat.

In the end, we had to opt for economy package and ended up tying cans of corn to our feet and walking across the snowy parking lot, cheering each other on as we took turns dodging cars from the contemporary art museum next door. They’re very angry people.

As a business owner yourself, you surely understand what it takes to keep your employees happy. You must toss those indentured elves a bone once in a while. Painting nipple rings and perfectly coiffed pubic hair onto Bratz dolls is grueling work, and you can’t expect them to find new and interesting ways to pimp out Elmo without a little light at the end of the tunnel, am I right? So I am hereby submitting my gift list for the staff of the MOKS.

I know it’s late, but you must have these gems tucked away somewhere in your workshop. Get on it, fat man. Do not make me call the child welfare department. Elves. Riiiiiight.

Ok, so I was thinking that there weren’t nearly enough opportunities to knock over salad on a daily basis, so how about one of these precarious salad towers. Could you make sure one of the legs is just a little shorter than the others? It’s for Gail and she’s really been chapping my hide with all her “equal pay” this and “OSHA regulations” that.

And toss this in, too. I’m feeling very passive aggressive today.

One of our new employees, Winnebago Lynne McCoy, is always going on about her kids and how they say the durndest thing and have all their various daddies’ eyes. Well, put up or shut up Winnie Lynne. Let’s see those precious demon seed you keep telling us about. Our insurance doesn’t cover the physical therapy you’ll require after lugging this thing around, but it has sound and everything! Just look at that protuberant microphone on top! The woman in the catalog sure looks like she’s having fun capturing her son’s humiliating defeat in the snowball fight of the century. Or is that a deadly avalanche? Either way, it’ll be fun to watch later.

For Belinda in Exhibits. Oh Belinda, your ironic love of 1980’s fashion will never stop pissing of your co-workers. No matter how hard you try to explain why it’s “funny”, you are only digging yourself deeper. You want to rip on the 50s, 60s and 70s with us? Fine! We’re totally on board. Some of that stuff is hysterical. What the hell were they thinking?! But the 80s? No. The wounds are too fresh. The memories are too clear. The legwarmers are still warm.

So Belinda, this is for you.

No Santa, not the outfits. These look like the kind of girls that terrorized me in Jr. High, so I’d like you to get them to come to the office to harass Belinda, to make her aware of her shortcomings in the bitchiest way possible. And I want them to say the word “like” constantly, I want every sentence to end as though it were a question, and I want them to speak in Valley Girl and not stop, not matter how much Belinda begs.

I believe this is their leader, “The Headband”. Find her and the others won’t be far, they move in a pack. Her real name is Melissa, but I think The Headband is much more intimidating. Belinda will, like, totally gag her with a spooooon?

Just bring Jane in Exhibits a big bottle of hooch. She works with Belinda all day and the one in the bottom drawer of her desk is just about empty.

I think Vito needs something as sexy as he is. These ought to do the trick.

I got a very specific and somewhat disturbing gift request from Ted in Acquisitions. But who am I to deny a man his interests? The man love Annie and he’s not afraid to shout it from the rooftops. Even if it means me having to bail him out of jail at three in the morning for disturbing the peace.

Yes. The wig, too.

And he picked out something for his assistant, Jim. They’ve been spending a lot more time together lately, so I think this is some kind of “inside joke” between them. He wouldn’t tell me what it was, he just gave me the catalog number. It looks to be a casting and molding kit. I’m not one for speculation, but I would say that these boys may be starting some kind of kinky side business. Looks like they’re not all that interested in the softer side of Sears.

Tammy in Accounting? Well, I’m not really sure what you get a girl like Tammy. Usually I just get her a big bottle of antibiotics and some hand wipes, but this year, let’s try something different. She like animals, and I bet she likes them even more when they’re stapled to a puffy down coat! So let’s go with this.

She spends a fair amount of time standing around on street corners in her off hours, so maybe some lovely boots that will keep her warm and fashionable at the same time. Hey, slutty Martians need love, too.

And let’s not forget Tammy in Reception. Tammy, oh Tammy. How many hours have you spent online searching for ways to retouch this year’s Christmas card photo of you and your cats having a tea party while you should have been typing up invoices? Well, it’s all over, because I’m taking your computer and replacing it with one of these relics. Do kids today even understand what “carriage return” means?

And do they understand that back in the day, it took SIX EASY STEPS to correct a mistake?

And that for some inexplicable reason, every single thing had to be labeled for the obtuse masses?

Probably not. But because Tammy works hard, I’d also like her to have the Barbie and Ken Sham Marriage Playset. It includes:

A very body conscious Ken who spends a lot of time at the gym on the west side of town.

And Barbie, a popular musician who plays torch songs in smokey bars full of handsome men who are screaming for her to do her Liza medley.

You get an official wedding photo for the press.

And a cold but very tastelfully designed home where you spend evenings tossing back brandy and wondering just where the hell it all went wrong.

And then Barbie beats the crap out of Ken at a ritzy restaurant, Ken sues, Barbie goes on a binge of pills and booze and spends 3 months in rehab for “exhaustion”, then gets here own reality show. It’s really fun!

And for everyone, new uniforms!!

And Santa, if you have room in your bag and if you value the lives of your merry reindeer team and don’t want me to give your address to Sarah Palin, who loves her some reindeer burgers, I will gladly accept anything from this page with girlsh glee. They’re all radios! All of ‘em! The beer, the ketchup, the burger. Heck, even the radio-shaped one!!

But if I had to pick one, it would be the radio/toilet paper holder. It would be the answer to a number of problems in my daily life and to all of my prayers since I was but a small child who only wished she could rock out to her favorite tunes while wiping.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter. I look forward to working with you again.

Stitchy McYarnpants

Museum of Kitschy Stitches, Curator Happy Holidays!!

England, may I have a word with you?

Published on 6 Dec 2008 at 10:27 pm. 16 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

Tomorrow I’m off to ~~hawk my wares~~ sell my lovingly handmade goods at the Boston Bazaar Bizarre. If you’re attending, come by and say hi! I’m at a table in the back against a brick wall somewhere. I’m splitting a spot with Caro at Splityarn and look forward to a bustling day.

All left over merchandise will be going into my Etsy shop on Monday or Tuesday. I’m really happy about the new magnets, bags and pendants I’ve been making and I think you’ll like them, too. You can see a little sampling here.

But when I get back, we need to talk. Specifically, we need to talk about this:

Now look, a lot of things can be easily explained away by saying “That? Oh, that’s from England.” Spotted Dick? Normally I’d recommend some antibiotics, but it’s from England so it’s a tasty snack. Referring to an umbrella as a “bumbershoot”? Very cute, I’ll admit. Although I don’t think anyone else could get away with it. David Bowie singing about laughing gnomes. ~sigh~ Ok. Fine.

But I draw the line at a Terror Fish. That is it. You’ve simply gone too far this time.

England, you got some ’splainin to do.

Oh, and Scotland? Don’t go thinking you’re off the hook, either.

Video Proof of Awesomeness

Published on 14 Nov 2008 at 12:04 am. 4 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

In the final installment of “As the Drag Queen Turns”, I have video of Shelby’s performances. I had to fumble around with the YouTube, but I finally got it working. (I’m not a kid any more and my techno-savvy pretty much ended with the VCR, so now every time I have to figure out how to work some new thing, I end up clenching my fist and telling it to get the hell off my lawn.)

So follow this link to four videos: the Swimsuit Competition (if you only watch one, watch this one. You will be astounded.), the Talent Competition, the Evening Gown Competition (featuring my beer can dress!), and the Awards Ceremony. We missed the actual crowning because we ere too busy jumping around, but you do get to see all the other contestants.

And if you’d like to see more bits of the event, others have posted some videos. Check out the Opening Montage where you can see the contestants before, during and after their transformations. And Oh. Mah. God. Miss Tara Ligament’s talent performance (she was a really amped up cheerleader with amazing legs. Go ahead, you’ll see.).

We had such a blast while we were visiting Stacy (that’s my friend who played Shelby Free). His friend, George, threw a party before the pageant and we met the most amazing bunch of people, it really was like walking into a whole new family of friends. We loved it so well that we’ll be back next year! Wooooo!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who sent donations and well-wishes to Stacy and Aid for AIDS. It means so much. With your help, Stacy raised over $8,500 – the most money that any contestant has ever raised. In all, the pageant raised over $350,000 for a worthy cause. Feels good, don’t it?

Full of Win!!

Published on 20 Oct 2008 at 1:54 pm. 4 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

The winner of the 2008 Best in Drag show is . . . SHELBY FREEEEEEE!!!!! How cool is that? I’ll tell you. Totally and completely. It is totally and completely cool. Stacy did such a great job as Shelby, he had the audience whoopin’ and a-hollarin’ from the moment he showed up with his mobile outhouse in the swimsuit competition. You have to have some kind of “reveal” for the swimsuit,Â so Shelby had a foam outhouse with handles inside so he could carry it walk out on stage in it. Then out he popped in a jewel-encrusted Budweiser bathing suit and a wig all wrapped up in Bud cans instead of curlers. The toilet paper stuck to his shoe was sublime.

I’ll have more pictures later, and hopefully the video came out ok, but I just wanted to pop in to announce the good news. Here are a few pics for now.

The event began with the comedy stylings of the hilarious Kathy Griffin, this was the best I could do with onstage photos. Much was made of her grand opening and everyone enjoyed her jokes, too. (LOTS of jokes about “openings” at a drag pageant, as it turns out.)

I tried to get a photo with Shelby onstage after the show while she was in her throne, but I was too late and we got shuffled out. Here we are in chaos (you can see guys taking the throne away in the back):

And here we are right where Shelby feels most at home. In a dark alley behind the building. Also, how much do you love the gal on the right? She looks just like my Marie Osmond doll from way back when!

And don’t forget, just because the pageant is over doesn’t mean it’s too late to donate! Check out Shelby’s website and give what you can! Also, Stacy has had an amazingly tough week. As if it’s not scary enough to have to perform in front of thousands of people, his mom passed away last week after a grueliing battle with cancer. His commitment to this cause is a testament to his heart and his cojones. Even if you can’t send him a donation, send some love his way. His email is on the main page of his website, I know he’d love to hear from everyone who’s been moved or amused or touched by his most unusual brand of community service.

And so it has been done

Published on 1 Oct 2008 at 10:23 pm. 15 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

It is my distinct pleasure to present to you a Crocheted Beer Can Gown in it’s entirety. (You’re really going to want to click these photos for a better look.)

It’s taken a lot of work, a few band-aids and dozens of cans, but I am finally finished! And I couldn’t be more pleased with the results. It really does look just as it did in my head.

I’m going to start with the one detail shot I have, because once you see the photos of the dress actually being modeled, you’re not going care about the details. Trust me. So this is the skirt. I sewed on some opalescent pilettes and they really sparkle like crazy when the dress moves. It was time-consuming, but I’m glad I went ahead and did it.

I’ve already sent the dress off to Shelby and she’ll be adding even more sparkly bits to the top portion. She has some little crystal things left over from another outfit, so I gave her free reign to further bedazzle the gown.

And here is my adorable mother-on-law, Barbara, sewing a band of red, white and blue sequins onto the inside of the skirt. It really needed something extra in there and it added just enough pizazz.

Ok, so now here is where things get really good. I wanted to show you the whole dress, but the dress form just wasn’t doing it justice. I needed a model. Now, I would have been glad to do it, but seeing as how my trunk has it’s fair share of junk. There’s no way I’m getting into that thing without getting sliced in half. While it would have made cool photos, I think the internet has plenty of that sort of thing on it already.

So what’s a girl to do? Well, my mother-in-law was in town, but she’s very short and little and would have been drowning in the dress. There was only one choice.

Jon had to do it. Ok, this was the plan all along, but he doesn’t need to know that. Shhhhhh . . . .

Now, I don’t know if it’s because we’re die-hard Project Runway fans (have I mentioned that we’re both hoping like crazy that Chris March will be at the pageant? Oh my god, we’d both be giggling like schoolgirls.) but Jon really got into the photo session. He was nervous at first, but then turned all RuPaul and was hitting poses left and right. But he did keep hid tube socks and shorts on. Let’s not get crazy, here.

And there you go. An evening gown that has champagne taste on a beer budget. Cheap champagne, but champagne nonetheless.

This dress is a memorial of sorts. When Stacy (Shelby Free’s real name) contacted me out of the blue to create the dress (he found my by googling “crocheted beer cans”. Ha!), it didn’t take much for me to say yes. Partly it just seemed like a fun project and a good challenge. But it’s also for a great cause. A couple of years before I met Jon, his brother, Tim, died of AIDS. I never got to meet him, but he’s still included in family dinner conversation and provides lot of laughter as people reminisce about his past exploits (truth be told, he was a bit of a red-headed devil in his younger years) and wonder what he’d think about various things going on in their lives. I do feel a deep affection for Tim because I’ve gotten to know him from the fond and often hilarious memories of those who loved him, and I think he would have gotten a huge kick out of this dress and the pageant.

If you haven’t already, please check out Shelby Free’s website, read Stacy’s story about why he’s doing the pageant and if you feel moved to do so, please donate. Just navigate your way to Shelby’s donation page from his main page and make sure you put “Shelby Free” in the company name field on the donation form so Stacy can keep track of the donations he’s collected. So far, he’s raised $7,000!

Give until it’s glamorous, people!!

Project Dragway

Published on 20 Aug 2008 at 10:33 pm. 8 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

Ze top, she eez done! Voila! (Click peectures for zee big)

With the lining in and the back laced up, the shape has really come together. If you compare the front and side to the last update, it’s a lot smoother.

And here is why the shaping works! I am so happy with the way the back came out, it looks exactly like I imagined! And yes, those are the tabs from the cans acting as corset loops. Shelby is a svelte lass, so I’m assuming that the last row of cans is not even going to need the loops and will end up being seamed together.

And here is the inside. I lined it with a soft cotton t-shirt and sewed the bra right in. The boobs aren’t sewn in, I figured we should keep those free and easy until the end. I used a zig zag stitch and it’s a little wonky since it’s hand-sewn. But it serves the purpose.

I realized that the top was going to be a little tricky to get on since it’s backless and all, so I ended up leaving the bra strap attached. That way, Shelby can hook it on while one of her minions laces her up. I’m going to sew in little pockets to the lining so she can tuck them in when the dress is on.

I’m all set to send it off to Shelby in California so she can try it on. Once we’ve got the fit right, I’ll know how big to make the skirt. The skirt will actually be a lot faster since there isn’t a whole lot of shaping. And although it’s floor length in the back, it’s really short in the front, so that’s half to work! Good thing Shelby dresses like a floozy!

Don’t forget to give whatever you can on the Donations page of Shelby’s website. All donations go to Aid for AIDS, whose mission it is to provide financial assistance for necessities of life to adults and children living below the poverty-line with HIV/AIDS, primarily in Los Angeles County. Be sure to include Shelby’s name on your donation as requested on the Donations page.

Oh, and before I sign off, I would like to address some rumors that have been flying around on the internet. It’s very painful to talk about, but I feel like I must set the record straight in order to preserve my reputation. I have been accused of using unethical practices in the making of this gown and I would like to take this opportunity to say that in no way have I ever utilized child labor. Ever.

Well, maybe just that once.

The House of Stitchy

Published on 10 Aug 2008 at 8:04 pm. 8 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

After doing some research, I was shocked to learn that Stitchy McYarnpants does not appear on the list of fashion designers allowed to use the term “Haute Couture” in an official sense. I guess it’s my own fault for embracing Freedom Fries. C’est la guerre du mode.

So I have coined a new term and will heretofore be known as the preeminent fashion designer in the Haute Canture movement. In order to keep the fashion pure, I’ve had to put a few rules in place to keep out the riff raff.

-Design made-to-order for private clients, with one or more fittings.

-Have a workspace cleared in the living room that employs at least four cats in order to provide full cat-hair cover.

-Must present a garment to a contestant in a prestigious Drag Queen beauty pageant. The garment must use acrylic yarn already in the designer’s stash so that the only cost incurred is for beer.

With Haute Canture behind her, Shelby is going to be the most stunning Beauty Queen to ever wear a pile of recyclables.

Shelby Free is her name, being cheap and easy is her game. But we all know that you’re not cheap and easy. Well, not cheap, anyway. So please give whatever you can on the “Donations” page of Shelby’s website. All donations go to Aid for AIDS, whose mission it is to provide financial assistance for necessities of life to adults and children living below the poverty-line with HIV/AIDS, primarily in Los Angeles County. Be sure to include Shelby’s name on your donation as requested on the Donations page.

Go ahead, I’ll wait while you make your donation.

.
Hooray! Thanks for your generosity! And now, on to the dress (as always, click for big):

Here is the front, in all its canny glory. The white tank top is actually going to become the lining for the top. I’m going to sew it just below the edge around the neck, arms and bottom. All of the squared-off parts will be filled in with crochet, and then I’ll crochet another row all around the neck and arms to smooth everything out.

These cans will most assuredly NOT make Shelby’s but look big.

Here’s a closeup of the front. I’m crazy about the bows! I think they add just the right touch.

And here is the back. It’s going to lace up so the fit can be adjusted. I’m going to cut the tank top and bra to sew them in, so this is going to be a saucy little number all nakedy in the back. I’m thinking of adding a nice big butt bow at the bottom of the lacing. I love butt bows!

The Prodigal Curator

Published on 9 Jul 2008 at 11:19 pm. 6 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

Greetings, loyal patron(s). Welcome back! We apologize for our abrupt disappearance. There was a speck of drama in the administrative offices, but most of the Museum staff were released on parole earlier this week (some, who shall remain nameless, cough*TammyInAccounting*cough are undergoing some well-deserved state-sponsored rehabilitation), so we can finally get back to business.

We would be remiss if we were to gloss over the entire situation, so before we move forward, we must go back. As you may remember, we recently announced a very exciting project involving Miss West Virginia, Shelby Free. Miss Shelby is one of the contestants hand-selected to compete in the 2008 Best in Drag pageant and we have the honor of creating a spectacular gown for the occasion! Best in Drag is one of Aid for Aids biggest and most entertaining fundraisers. Last year, the event raised $300,000 to help those living with AIDS. Be sure to go to Shelby’s website, click “Donations” on the left sidebar and give until it’s glamorous! (Be sure to include Shelby’s name on your donation as requested on the Donations page.)

Since the gown is made entirely of beer cans and acrylic yarn, is it any wonder than events spiraled into chaos so quickly and with such thundering force? Upon reflection, it may not have been the best idea to involve Tammy with the likes of one Winnebago Lynn McCoy. Winnie Lynn was the Co-Acting Director-at-Large of our Historic Textiles department, and she was heading up this exciting gown project. We thought that Tammy and Winnie’s “shared interests” would bond them, but as it turns out, one of their more recent shared interests happened to be Vinnie in Security. Needless to say, an argument ensued and when it was all over, we were left with a ragged pile of blond hair extensions, a number of bloodied, broken acrylic fingernails, and oddly, a satin thong.

As it turns out, Winnie was actually a fugitive on the run from the law in West Virginia, of all places! Upon further investigation, we learned that she was one of Shelby Free’s arch enemies, sworn to do whatever she could to get back at her childhood nemesis. She was planning to sabotage Shelby’s dress in order to embarrass her at the pageant! Luckily, her nefarious plan was thwarted and we can now continue work on the dress.

As the curator of the Museum, I have decided to personally oversee the construction with the aid of my Help Meet, Jon. Please enjoy these photos documenting this challenging, but rewarding task.

Getting down to business, I decided to attack from the front.

Delicate shoulder straps will give this a frock a feminine touch.

I added a feminine touch all my own. It was all in the name of committing to a cup size. We went with a full C.

My husband gave it a decidedly masculine touch. Truth be told, Jon is the one who worked out the best way to handle the bust shaping. Beer cones!

Thank you for your continued patronage and for your generous donations to the Best in Drag show! More updates and a new MOKS gallery coming soon! And if Tammy calls you (the office Rolodex has come up missing and she’s got hiding crevices that the warden hasn’t even thought of), do NOT send her rum cake with a file in it. It is NOT “part of her program”. Ask us how we know.

Stitchy McYarnpants
Creator, Curator
Museum of Kitschy Stitches