Is there anything more pleasant than an afternoon in the crisp autumn air? It’s the perfect way to spend the day with your family. Nope, there’s nothing finer than enjoying nature’s bounty and bringing home . . . A Bushel of the Damned!!! Move over Johnny Appleseed, little Joanie Badseed is on the scene. Clearly, she’s just caused untold carnage in the orchard. In the movies, this is the part where the end credits would roll and we’d gesticulate wildly[...]

Breaking News: War on Christmas leads to shocking discovery in North Pole! While carrying out the nation’s clear but double-super-secret strategy for victory in the War on Christmas, covert operations in the wintery wonderland have lead investigators to a shocking cover-up in Santa’s Workshop. While searching for signs of non-compliance to the new regulations meant to insure acceptable enjoyment and celebration practices during the Christmas season, officials discovered that the jolly fat man is not who we thought he was.[...]

Just in time for the holidays! It’s the new Home Plastic Surgery Kit from StitchCo! Just slip it on and follow the easy-to-follow color-coded cut lines. Refresh a hairline that isn’t just receding, it’s gone into full fledged retreat. Tighten droopy eyes which are no doubt suffering the ravages of your non-stop sobbing. Lift up those lumps of glutinous dough you used to call a jawline and for heaven’s sake, just pick one chin and stick with it while you’re[...]

Ditch the needles, put the yarn in the disposal, tuck that pattern where the sun don’t shine! You don’t need ANY of it now that there’s something new. Something amazing. Something that will keep your panty parts fresh for days with a space-age airtight seal! That’s right – straight from the locker room at NASA to you, it’s . . . Just point and shoot! Available in Jumpsuit and Hotpant. And if you order now, you’ll get a free VacuWig[...]

I found it! After years of searching, I have found the world’s most perfect visual representation of The Weather Girls’ classic homage to the nearly constant homoprecipitation that befell the earth in the early 1980′s. Oh, it’s raining men alright, and Roger from the MOKS Marketing Department just loves splashing around in the puddles – IF ya’ know what I mean.

No need to get the hose again. Now it can rub lotion on its skin in style with these Jame Gumb originals! Use up all that leftover Butcher’s Twine from last week’s abduction to create these fun, restrainerific String Toppers! Now it’ll be happy to put the lotion in the basket, right Precious? . . Did it hear me? It puts the lotion in the basket. . . Put the #@*%ing lotion in the basket!!!