Just in time for the holidays! It’s the new Home Plastic Surgery Kit from StitchCo! Just slip it on and follow the easy-to-follow color-coded cut lines. Refresh a hairline that isn’t just receding, it’s gone into full fledged retreat. Tighten droopy eyes which are no doubt suffering the ravages of your non-stop sobbing. Lift up those lumps of glutinous dough you used to call a jawline and for heaven’s sake, just pick one chin and stick with it while you’re[...]

Ditch the needles, put the yarn in the disposal, tuck that pattern where the sun don’t shine! You don’t need ANY of it now that there’s something new. Something amazing. Something that will keep your panty parts fresh for days with a space-age airtight seal! That’s right – straight from the locker room at NASA to you, it’s . . . Just point and shoot! Available in Jumpsuit and Hotpant. And if you order now, you’ll get a free VacuWig[...]

Times were tough and the cupboard was bare. Helen had no choice but to find work where she could and Clubber McWacky’s Putt-Putt Golf was going to be her ticket out of this dump. By God, she’d be the best damned cup they’d ever had on the fourth hole. And who knows, if she could withstand the never-ending stream of low-impact blows to the head for long enough, maybe she’d get promoted to windmill!