At long last, I’m free from the shackles of Charmin! Take that, underwear overlords! Finally, someone has addressed my need for a garment that is both fashionable and convenient. I’m done wasting time with “bathrooms” and “hygiene” and “common decency”. Who’s with me?!

The double-breasted sweater hasn’t caught on in many places yet, but Clark Kent’s foppish, ascot-wearing little brother is embracing it wholeheartedly. It’s a shuttlecock! It’s an autogyro! It’s Dandy Man!

I don’t know if it’s the parched, dangling tongues or the crudely shapen appendages, but something just isn’t sitting well. These two are making me uncomfortable. The cup-to-nipple ratio is all off with that bikini, and her boyfriend’s pantlessness seems so unnecessary. Couldn’t he at least have worn underwear? We’re trying to fill a toy box here, not a swingers lounge.

So you’ve replaced everything useful in your home with clever yarn replicas, have you? Excellent. Now you can start with the more mundane items around the house. Daisies are always nice, but so overdone. How about some used, crumpled tissues fashioned from the finest cashmere? Beetle carapaces take on a decidedly feminine look when you knit them in pink silk. And nothing says home cookin’ like a nice bowl of macaroni and cheez, but you won’t have to worry about[...]

Perhaps the National Childrens’ Puppet Theater wasn’t the best venue to stage the ill-fated sequel to Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. Although the cast had impressive resumes, Clown & Snowman & The Terrible Dragon was a remarkable flop. Grown-ups felt that the nuances in the relationship between the ever-smirking clown and the dragon, played unconvincingly by an alligator, just didn’t ring true. Kids continually interrupted performances with their demands to know just how the snowman was able to[...]

Pity. She seems like such a friendly, inviting woman. She’s even placed a convenient doorknocker on her pelvis for all those wishing to enter. Too bad you can’t approach her without suffering from sudden motion sickness followed by debilitating retinal damage and long-term visual disturbances.