Archives for August 2005

Weather Woes

Published on 31 Aug 2005 at 6:07 pm. 11 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

Well, there’s not much more to say about the mess Katrina has made than has already been said. Good vibes, best wishes, warm thoughts, all of that goes out to everyone suffering. But the best thing you can send is money. Because there are no resources to store or distribute donations of food, clothing, or even lovingly knitted blankets, people are urged to send moulah. Cold hard cash. Greenbacks. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby.

Let’s show them the money, people!

And if you’re so inclined, help some furry critters out, too.

Pretend you’re going to make a gorgeous, luxurious blanket, hat, or scarf to comfort someone who has been affected. Now, save yourself a bunch of time and just send the money you would have spent on the yarn. Then throw in a little more for a pair of matching slippers.

Read ‘Weather Woes’

The Museum of Kitschy Stitches, Vol. VII – Living in the Eighties

Published on 30 Aug 2005 at 1:14 am. 59 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

Welcome to the brand new wing of the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, sponsored by frightened hordes of knitting designers who paid us off to never mention them or their rotten designs. Using their contributions, which totaled over 18 billion dollars, we built the Karma Chameleon Complex, including the renowned Tumble 4 Ya Sculpture Park. The complex features fully mirrored floors and ceilings with gold-plated fixtures. The walls are covered with artfully splattered paint in hot neon colors. Masterpieces by Nagel, Haring, and Kliban are displayed throughout the building. The complex will house a collection of travesties from the glory days of the 1980’s, a prohibitively expensive time in knitting history due to the voluminous styles loved by all. Dolman sleeves, baggy sweaters, and bunchy leg warmers were the order of the day and a “fitted” top meant that you could only fit one other person inside. The artifacts within this exhibit have been painstakingly gathered so that we, as a community, could seek to answer the age old question of the 80’s: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” It is apparent that the answer is a resounding “Yes!”

 


How did anyone manage to knit this sweater? I mean, besides the fact that it used up the entire world’s yarn supply for an entire year, it must have taken at least that long to knit this monstrosity up. And at the cost of a whopping $32,450 to make, who had the money? And where exactly do you store 5,000 balls of yarn while you’re knitting it? And how does the wearer fit through doorways when you’re done? Does she even have a right arm, or is that just a pile of knitted fabric in its place? Was the arm removed specifically to accommodate the sweater or was it just a happy coincidence that she was without it? How far out would this sweater be billowing if she didn’t have it smartly belted, not that, god forbid, she’d ever leave the house with an unbelted sweater. There are too many questions left unanswered with this thing. Oh how I long for the days of crocheted hot pants using a single skein of yarn.

 


I think it’s time we finally face the debilitating curse that affected so many of the fashion mavens among us. Popeyeism. This disease was most identifiable by the increased size of the shoulder/arm region. The example above shows advanced Popeyeism of the upper arms. Before this photo was taken, the model was seen squeezing a can of spinach until the top popped open. She then flipped her head back and swallowed the entire contents of the can, afterwards callously throwing the empty can behind her. Others afflicted may experience inflammation of the forearm, which is often accompanied by the appearance of an anchor-shaped marking on the arm or chest. Speech impediments and speaking from the side of one’s face while smoking a pipe from the other are also known symptoms. Luckily, Popeyeism was wiped out by the early 90’s, but a new batch of outbreaks are expected among teenagers who consider the 1980’s to be “retro” and “funny”. They will start wearing restyled 80’s-esque clothing for the sake of “irony” until they eventually become the very thing they’re making fun of. Let’s all enjoy it, shall we?

 


Smart brides really put the “Maid” in “Bridesmaid”. Don’t let that bitch try to upstage you! Put her in her place from Day One. Better put the flower girl on notice, too. Who even said your spoiled rotten little niece could be in this wedding, anyway?

 


Yes, let’s all Get Physical! Let’s exercise in shiny acrylic sweaters that will trap the sweat as though we were wearing Ziploc baggies. And don’t forget the non-absorbent sweat band that will slowly creep down as we tediously lift our 3lb weight until it smudges our Aquatic Blue eyeshadow. And legwarmers, yes! Because when we sprain our ankles and scrape our calves on the cheap stationary bike pedals that we forgot don’t work right, we’re going to need something to cover the bruises and swelling. And throw a mullet in there for good measure. Taa-daa, I have just helped you experience what it was really like in the mid-80’s in a few short sentences. You owe me.

 


Is it just me or does this sweater not seem all that warm?

 

Things were not always as they seemed in the 80’s. Illusions were all around us in this veritable land of make-believe. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that the US was being led by an actor who once performed with chimps. (The chimps have certainly come a long way since then, eh?) And nowhere was this penchant for fantasy more evident than in fashion.

 


Hey! I remember this commercial!

“With the addition of a microwave to every kitchen has come the advent of an array of tasty, fat-laden snacks. Waistlines are expanding, boobs are sagging, butts are spreading in entirely new directions. But don’t put down that Hot Pocket, put on this fantastic new bikini bod instead! That’s right, the new Knit-a-Body system allows you to enjoy the highly processed carbohydrates that are so important to today’s modern lifestyle and still look totally bitchin’! Available in Beach Babe, Voluptuous Valley Girl, and Preppy Prostitute. And now for the guys, there’s the Bulging Bohunk!”

 


Yeee-haw! Who doesn’t love a pair of overalls fit for a fancy hoedown? Well, slap my knee, turn me blue, and stick my head in a milk jug, this gal, that’s who! She’ll be a monkey’s mama if she can’t figure out those ding-danged clasps that hold everyone else’s pants on. Nope, her uncle daddy never did teach her about such finery. ‘Sides, how’s she gonna find a man if she’s spendin’ all her time fussin’ with those silly pant-holder-uppers? Shoot fire, y’all are crazy! But they do look purty and all the fellers love a filly with her thumbs hitched in a pair of metal clasps, all sexy like. So what else is a gal to do but keep her britches accessible with grandma’s patented fauxveralls?

 


The only thing more ridiculous than fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs wrapped around the shoulders is fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs knitted around the shoulders. “Look, she like boats!” this sweater begs. “See, she has a little boat. And she’s smiling!” it pleads as is tries to convince onlookers of its authenticity. “She’s wearing a Gilligan hat! She’s totally seaworthy!” it blubbers as it chokes back the tears. I wouldn’t scrape barnacles with this thing.

 


And just a reminder for anyone who thinks otherwise; the 80’s weren’t good for anyone.  (click the photo for a close-up of the world’s most pissed-off cat. And I’m sorry to say, it is not photoshopped.)

 

Read ‘The Museum of Kitschy Stitches, Vol. VII – Living in the Eighties’

A recent recording from 911 dispatch . . .

Published on 26 Aug 2005 at 12:47 pm. 35 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

Hello, Police?

Yes, I’d like to report an assault.

Yes, that’s right. On my senses! We aren’t even safe in our own Inboxes anymore!! Send the fashion squad immediately. Bring a tranquilizer gun and some matches!

Read ‘A recent recording from 911 dispatch . . .’

Don't forget the unicorns this time!

Published on 26 Aug 2005 at 10:51 am. 13 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

Looks like Melanie’s list of things to knit (and buy and feed and fawn over) is going to take on a decidedly Noah’s Ark-ish tone in the coming months. Two of everything.

Congratulations, pumpkin!!!

Now I’m off to hoard clearance-priced Cotton Ease so I can get in on this action . . .

Two of these, coming right up!

Don’t worry Melanie, I’m just kidding. I would never do that to you. :)

 

Read ‘Don't forget the unicorns this time!’

. . .and now, a special message from Stitchy

Published on 22 Aug 2005 at 9:32 am. 29 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

 

I just thought you should know.

And as we begin our long, potentially annoying week, let’s all take a moment to thank our lucky stars that our choice is no longer limited to “mammoth-sized” or the sleek new “is that a pony in your pants or are you having your period?”. Observe how neatly they fold up. It’s almost as easy as folding a phone book! Sisters, I think we can all agree that those dark times were MaxiBad.

 

Now let’s all put on some white pants and go horseback riding. Whaddaya say? Who’s with me?

 

Read ‘. . .and now, a special message from Stitchy’

Houston, We Have a Sweater

Published on 18 Aug 2005 at 6:19 pm. 29 Comments.
Filed under Finished Object Alert!.

 

 

 

Ze Scoop, she is done! Hazah! Please ignore the fat-headed picture. It was the best of the lot and we were out of paper bags.

 

A few facts about our little Scoopie:

She was lovingly handcrafted from 6 skeins of TLC Cotton Plus in Kiwi. The pattern was written for Cotton Ease and the gauge in Cotton Plus was off a little, so I went up a needle size. Her bust size is 40” (ooh la la) and her measurements are just as the pattern says they should be. She likes puppies and long walks in the rain, mainly because she’s machine washable. Scoopie is currently not attached because she has no buttons, but hopefully that will change soon, if the right buttons come along. She’s looking for a little glamour, some sizzle to brighten up her days and nights.

Here’s another, more jarring look at da Scoop. I forgot to put it away after I measured it and it was instantly descended upon. No worries, I rescued it before Dot got her choppers on it. But check out that biscuit action shot!

 

Last Saturday, I attended a fantastic yarn dyeing party hosted by the delightful Julia at Moth Heaven (trust me, it is a name well deserved. Her stash room is the stuff that moth folklore is made of.). After initial alarm at hearing that I was going to Julia’s to dye and thinking he’d have to take care of the cats on his own from now on, Jon asked if we were going to buy anything. I tried to explain that just because we were going out on a yarn-related adventure, it didn’t mean that we were going to be making any purchases. Knitters can actually have an afternoon where they don’t buy anything at all. And then Kellee ended buying a drum carder from another knitter (I can’t remember who), so I stand corrected. I guess we can’t have those kinds of days.

Also, I got a special treat from Teresa at Knitting the Blues (who was wearing the tank top that I have so admired.) She was trying to de-stash and I got this pretty cotton chenille in “Stone”. I’m not sure what I’m going to make, but it’s going to be soft and it’s going to be pretty, dammit! Thank you, Teresa!! It was great to meet you and help myself to your yarn. Here is Chloe, modeling the yarn. She’s a nice shade of Ginger Sand. It goes well with Stone, doesn’t it

And here is the yarn I dyed. It was kindly donated to me by Kellee because I just couldn’t get it together enough to get my own. Its KnitPicks previously undyed sock yarn. Hmmm, there’s a theme here of people handing things over to me. I like it. Knitters are wonderful, as it turns out. And for that, I’m very thankful.

 

The top one is hopefully going to stripe in purple and green with little pink dots here and there. Hopefully. Maybe. Who knows. The other one is sort of randomly splotched with color.

You can see that one side of the skein is entirely different that the other when you peek inside. This could prove to be totally heinous, but again, we’ll see. I am officially motivated to make some socks now. Does anyone have a favorite, easy pattern for sock virgins? * filthy innuendos deleted *

And to continue in the I’m-too-lazy-to-do-it-myself, I got a new winter coat yesterday! Charlene went shopping and couldn’t decide between two coats, so she bought both and just figured I’d want whichever one she decided against. She was absotootely correct! Its wool, has big buttons, and is very smarly tailored. It’s an actual flattering, girly coat. A far cry from my usual shapeless lump of a winter coat. I tried to get a picture, but black wool is kind of hard to capture. Just trust me on this one.

Plus . . . .

It’s a J-Lo. Because, you know, I’m still Stitchy from the block. You have to love a line of fashion clothing that has a category called “Dresses & Jumpsuits”. I can only imagine how I would look in a JLo jumpsuit. The mind reels. Then wretches. Then throws up a little.

 

Read ‘Houston, We Have a Sweater’

Got pants?

Published on 2 Aug 2005 at 1:11 pm. 20 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

OK, which one of you found my blog using the keywords “women taking off pants”? C’mon, fess up. Don’t be such a bum. I won’t get my panties in a bunch, I swear.

No one?

Party pooper.

(Any and all puns about buns welcome at this point. Go ahead, make my day.)

Read ‘Got pants?’

The Scoop on the Scoop.

Published on 1 Aug 2005 at 2:16 pm. 23 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

I totally cheated. I did. I’m a hack knitter, but I’m cool with that. I prefer think of myself as a MacGyver knitter, actually. I use the tools and methods that suit me best. While I haven’t had to resort to gum or paper clips, I did wantonly misuse a woven seam stitch. It was all Melanie’s idea!

See, I was adding the button and neck bands to my little lovely. (my little color-changing lovely, if these pictures are to be believed. It’s amazing the difference a flash makes. I think the close-ups below are a more accurate representation, but I’m not even sure because the color is so different between my home PC and my work laptop. Hell, maybe the sweater is actually a deep shade of aubergine.)

I had to pick up stitches to add them. No problem, I can do that. I even had the great and powerful Disembodied Voice of Knitting to guide me. Kids’ stuff, cakewalk, pish tosh, easy peasy. T’weren’t nuthin’.

Uuuuhhhh . . . until I got to the decreased section of the neck. I just kind of kept on doing what I was doing and ended up with some holes. Well, let’s call it additional texture. Or maybe unintentional lacework. Or cotton/acrylic heartache. Whichever you please.

So I showed it to Jon and he was just plum out of ideas on how to fix it. I may as well have asked the hamster, I think I would have gotten the same hollow stare in response. I gave him a treat and looked for help from a more interested party. The coffee table had nothing for me either.

So I took it with me to Melanie’s on Friday night. I figured she’d have some practical advice considering she actually assembles her sweaters when she’s done knitting them. And of course, she did. She suggested I cover the unsightly holes using the woven seam stitch that I was using to sew the sweater together. Brilliant! So I did the weaving thing. It’s similar to the Mattress stitch, but it ends up imitating a row of stitches. You weave the needle under the “V”s of each stitch, alternating from one piece to the other for each stitch. It looks a lot like this. I couldn’t find the exact method online, it changes depending on whether you’re seaming row-to-row or stitch-to-stitch or stitch-to-row. I got it from Nancie Wiseman’s Finishing Techniques . This is the second sweater I’ve seamed using this book and it’s not too bad. The seams are a little thick inside the sweater, but I don’t think it’ll bee too lumpy. I need way more practice.

So whaddaya think? I’m pretty happy with it. I’m not a perfectionist, so I don’t mind a little wonk in my handmade stuff.

Melanie also hooked me up to her spinning wheel under the careful watch of her husband. (He told me when I needed to move the yarn down the spool. He’s adorable AND helpful!) I spun up some truly craptacular yarn. It was lumpy and fuzzy in some places and microscopically thin in others. But I can see how, once you get your groove on, spinning can be addictive. I just don’t think I’m ready for one yet. I can’t stop imagining a cat’s arm getting snapped off in the whirling wheel. I guess they’d learn after losing a couple, right?

And speaking of dismembered animals, we had a BBQ yesterday! Mmmmmmm . . . dismembered animalssss . . .

We fried a 16lb turkey in less than an hour! It was crispy, moist and de-freaking-licious. If you’re a vegetarian, look away. If not, feast your eyes on this tasty bastard. It looks burnt, but that’s just the savory, crunchy shell. Like a big meat M&M.

And here are Dot and Mike enjoying their share of the catch. For some reason, Chi-Chi and Chloe didn’t want any. Perhaps they were waiting for the leftover steak. Well, they’d have to fight Charlene’s stack of cats for that. Good luck to ‘em.

And speaking of Chi-Chi.

Lately he’s been making tons of noise in the middle of the night. You know that incessant meowing that gets louder and more frenzied as it goes? meow. Meow. Meow. MEOW! MEOWMEOWMEOW!!! It sounds like he’s stuck in a closet or fighting ninjas or something. So the other night, Jon got up to see if everything was ok. He found Chi-Chi sitting there, staring at this.

The Sparkle Ball. It’s his favorite toy, and yet it makes him scream. Since then, we’ve both seen him yowling with the ball actually in his mouth. Ummmm. What the hell? Does he like it? Hate it? Does it scare him? Please him to no end? Does it tickle? Does he think it’s a creature? Is it covered in LSD? What?!

Oh! By the way, thanks for all the commiserating on what is now dubbed “The Plaster Disaster”. Carlos and I slaved for 4 days and we finished . . . wait for it . . . 4 rooms! Gah. Only 8 rooms to go. We’ll probably get back to it later this week. I am happy to report that the Red Heart was used in a number of ways. We attached metal fittings to it to add weight and used it as a plumb line to go straight into the wall. This helped to get from one hole to another a few times. I also used it to tie the cats into the living room so they’d be out of the way. The door doesn’t shut properly, so the yarn was their captor. (Don’t worry, they had all the air conditioning while we lowly humans sweated buckets.) In the end, I’ll be delighted we rewired, but I’m still allowed to grouse about it while the house is in dusty pieces.

Read ‘The Scoop on the Scoop.’