Archives for April 2005

And the Winner is . . .

Published on 27 Apr 2005 at 10:58 am. 5 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

Wow. Did I totally miss yesterday? Huh. I promised you a winner and a winner you shall have.

But first, let me tell you about this funny thing my cat did . . .

Alright, alright! I’ll tell you. The randomly selected and ever adorable winner of the grant from the Museum of Kitschy Stitches is . . . .

Marnie MacLean from MarnieTalks! YAY! If you don’t know Marnie, please make her a regular stop on your Blogtown trolley. She’s got some amazing designs, an interesting blog, and also possesses what could be the cutest dog in the world, Panda.

And what does Marnie’s grant consist of? Well, it ain’t a scholarship, sister. It’s actually a few things, but we’re having technical difficulties with the camera, and I’d rather photograph everything rather than just say what it is. It’s more fun that, way, doncha think? By the way, Marnie, does your apartment allow large reptiles? Just askin’. We should have the camera issues resolved soon, like tonight soon (our memory card got corrupted. Aren’t you dying to know what kind of pictures we took to corrupt it? rrrowr Mom, I’m just kidding.)

There will also be knitting pictures, because I still knit, you know. Just not as much as I’d like.

Thanks to everyone who played, it was really fun to see what you all came up with. You gals crack me up.

Read ‘And the Winner is . . .’

The Museum of Kitschy Stitches, Vol. VI – Special Guest Exhibit

Published on 25 Apr 2005 at 3:44 pm. 6 Comments.
Filed under MOKS.

Welcome to the first annual Special Guest Exhibit at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, where our patrons take their turn swiping at some acrylic ipecacs! We were delighted with the responses and we know you will be, too. Unfortunately, our beloved curator, Ms. Stitchy McYarnpants could not attend today’s gala event. She was suddenly stricken with a mysterious illness. Let’s all pause for a moment to wish her a speedy recovery. Alright, let’s dispense with formality and get to the dirt. The real reason she refused to come is that she is an insufferable primadonna and couldn’t stand someone else being in her spotlight. She realized she may not be the cleverest person in the universe after all, so she’s at home, languishing on her fainting couch with a moist hankie in one hand and a gin & tonic in the other. In fact, she appears to be channeling Faye Dunaway’s version of Joan Crawford. She spent a solid half hour and an entire can of cleaning powder admonishing Dot for treating dresses like dishrags. Lucky for her, there were no wire hangers in the house. Not since the time Chi-Chi picked up the dry cleaning. Those cats are going to come out with a scathing book one day, you just watch.

Oh my, please pardon the digression. Without further ado, we present to you the brand new Special Guest Exhibit in the newly refinished Ladies Room of the storage facility. Enjoy! A randomly-selected winner will be announced tomorrow, but we want to express our gratitude to everyone who participated. It was great to hear from everyone and we got some real gems. Thanks for coming out to play!

#1

 

And now, the perfect costume if the International Olympic Commission ever decides to create the the Downhill Slalom and Chicken Dance event. – from Rabbitch

Check out that hot Yeti on the ski run! I think I’m gonna swoon! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“My father is half yeti, my mother’s worried I’ll get lost. What’s your story?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

This is the fairy godmother of those little furry people in Star wars 6, the one where they blow up the Deathstar. She was in the first edition, the one with the dorky music. She was the cause of the dorky music. – from km scheid

This is St. Lucia’s little sister, St. Agatha. Her special holiday is November 13th, the day when al the ski runs in Scandinavia officially open for the season. – from km scheid

Snapshot from Bjork’s recent ski holiday. – Tamara Shaffer

The orange chested shag bird has a complex and energetic mating ritual, involving intricate hooting and dancing about. This fine specimen was found tuckered and weak from hours of dancing to no avail. Apparently, her crest was lacking in plumage making her an undesirable mate. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

Mom, was right, I shoulda worn my orange boots! – from Bridget Graham

“Damn! The potion is wearing off. Now he’ll know I’m not really a bird.” – Julie LaFrance Funk (Holy Crap, what a great name! I pray that it’s real)

What do you get when you mix leftover shag rug with the Austrian Alpine look?? – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

Kellie was sad when she realized she had killed her friend the Snuffleupagus, but at least now everyone would believe that he was real. – from Elissa at Special Sauce

What could be more intimidating to the other skiers than an outfit that says; “Arg! I’m the pirate of these here slopes!”? Subbing a knitted hat with long fringe at the top for a pirate hat with feathers is the logical choice (even pirates get cold on those snowy slopes!). To accent your pumpkin orange ensemble, a thigh length shaggy yellow vest will do the trick nicely. This not only makes you highly visible, but earn you the respect every snow bunny pirate deserves! And for practical reasons, to prevent you from skiing down the slopes while saying, “Geez! How can I ski in all this crap?!, a braided belt with tassles to tie it all together! People will be amazed at your athletic skills and wonder where you bravely plundered the Big Bird costume to get your outfit! – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

I didn’t kill the muppet – why are you looking at me like that? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

Lanie’s biggest challenge as a puppeteer for Fraggle Rock was leaving her work at the office. – from Julia at MothHeaven

#2

 

The zebra stripes give him animal magnetism, at least to checkboard-bedecked Swedish women. – from Amy at Frottez!

“Honey, why does this sweater smell so bad?” “Oh, I knitted it out of Ljutefisk!” – from Rabbitch

So what if his mom was a zebra and my mom was a stopsign, we’re in love! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Hey, sweetcakes, the stripes point the way!” “Oh, George, you’re *such* a flirt!” – from Andrea high atop her Soapbox

He obviously used that Zebra disguise so he would blend in with the wildlife on the ski slopes to catch the hallucinogenic love bunny. I actually like these sweaters – just not in the same space. – from km scheid

Ahhh The Swedes, such a model of progressive thought. Why not force men to don knitwear that is an abstract version of a muscular skeletal system that leads down to what seems to be a uterus. Girlfriend, now you know how the other half lives, she seems to say. – Terry Cluefor

Looks like an ad for condoms for some reason. – Tamara Shaffer

Like the asses of orangutans, weaker males are marked by outer appearances. While the most virile wear argyle and plaids, the weaker are forced to wear effeminate animal prints and absurd facial hair. When the gentle male is released into the wilds of singles bars and grocery stores, only the most crocheted of women can sustain their amusement long enough to mate. Note how the male makes gestures as if to overpower her, but his charade is transparent. His markings make it clear that he is far too weak and she lets out soft chiding chuckles in response. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

C’mon, honey, where’d you hide the crayons?? – from Bridget Graham

“Come on baby. Take off your sweater and show me your skeleton.” – Julie LaFrance Funk

Hirsute Zebra men say the funniest things! – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

I’ve seen it a hundred times. People who can’t hold their liquor. Here we have the lovely couple and the wife seems to be enjoying her vacation at the lodge a little too much. In fact, maybe she was drinking while making their vacation sweaters. She started with his. Hmmm…lets see. I want to make my man something that will show off his qualities. I know! One bottle of wine later produces a chart for, you guessed it, The best harry chest in the west! Next came hers. Its gonna be cold and I’ll need some mittens. All that running from one bar to another, I’ll probably need a special bag to carry my hats/mittens etc. Unless…..Yes! That’s it! I’ll crochet them directly onto the sleeves of my sweater! The only thing that could make that better is a checks, hearts, rainbow stripe montage. After much insisting, the loving husband dons his sweater while whispering in her ear, “there now, I’ve put it on. Lets go back to the room and have some coffee.” – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

*gritting teeth* Get your hands off me you zebra-freak, don’t you see I am way too fabulous for you? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

“Oh Steve. It’s been quite a day, riding into New York City all the way from Scranton for our anniversary. I’m so excited to see Times Square and all the celebrities that live there. And we’re a shoe-in at the Rave with our cool club outfits. New York is so cool. Thanks for a great day!” –from Julia at MothHeaven

#3

 

“Oh Fuck. My left breast implant just exploded. I knew I should have forked out for silicone instead of feathers, even if it WAS ten dollars more.” – from Rabbitch

Ostrich for lunch, my favorite! But I think I got some on my shirt. – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Yes, dahling, don’t you just looove ostrich? No! They’re not chicken!!! What was that you said about dodo?!?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

OMG I got caught in the shredder! Thank goodness my head jammed the works and they were able to retrieve it! I don’t know how I’ll ever explain
to my future husband that I can’t remove the black band around my neck. – from km scheid

If I just act really cool, people won’t notice the several small arctic birds I am smuggling under my sweater. But I wish they’d quit digging into me with their claws. And the SMELL! – from km scheid

Takes my breath away. Really. This one could have won Wendy’s 80s contest. – Tamara Shaffer

Females of the Yellow Crested Pleated Matron must prove their ability to care for offspring. The male seeks females sporting the greatest number of small animal carcasses. She spends hours weaving feathers and pelts into elaborate fabrics. This fine example shows a complexity of design found only in the finest of specimens. The male will woo her with songs of “I have a camaro I have a camaro” while presenting her with offerings of wine coolers. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

Moa?? I thought they said I’ll be modeling a boa!” – from Bridget Graham

“Oh No! The stuffing is coming out of my Stepford wife!” – Julie LaFrance Funk

“My ostrich feather breast implant just exploded! Do you think anyone will notice?” – from Dani of Year of the Afghan

Melanie Griffith in the 80’s before plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas. The built-in boa is a plus. – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

Melanie hoped nobody would notice that she consumed an entire pigeon on her way to her Vanity Fair shoot. – from Elissa at Special Sauce

Finally, an answer to what to do with all that dark fuzzy scrap yarn you have! You’ll be doing even better if you have or live next to farm animals! Seriously, the geese/chicken/ducks will put up a fight at first, but when they realize what they are sacrificing for, they should comply. Their plucked feathers will be immortalized in a knitted work of art! The look on her face portrays her pride: “It took me days to chase down those fowl! But damn it….I’m worth it!” – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

And here we have our latest hybrid cross… Ivana Trump x Emu… – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

Lola’s fame as a beltway lobbyist was cemented the year the Census Bureau added a ethnicity category for Ostrich Americans. – from Julia at MothHeaven

#4

 

The rare and beautiful Abominable Snow-Woman, shown with arm fur shaved to reveal her lovely multicolored skin. – from Amy at Frottez!

We European women never shave our armpits. – from Rabbitch

These are my real breasts! Mom met the abominable snowman one night on the ski run and….here I am! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Here’s a yeti, there’s a yeti, everywhere a yeti-yeti.” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

I thought there was a page ripped out of that stupid magazine I stole from the doctor’s office. I didn’t think it made any sense. Maybe if I just call it a design element, no one will notice. – from km scheid

This sweater-coat-thing has so many wonderful pockets, I can carry all my stuffed rabbits with me all the time! – from km scheid

Olive Oil knits!! – Tamara Shaffer

In the vast tundra of the arctic, the native Fair Isle Fox sheds her summer coat in lieu of a her dense white winter fur. The male of the species will not rise from his semi-hibernation until the remainder of her mottled coat is replaced by a thick silky shag. By the time mating begins, she is nearly unrecognizable from her former self, as her shape is obscured by her winter whites. When the female finally picks her mate, he will as likely die of inhaling plumes of fur as he is of succumbing to any predator. Because of this, the female has evolved to give birth to vast numbers of offspring to replace the many lost males. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

There was this great sale on fun fur . . . . . – from Bridget Graham

“High-wasted gaucho pants are in, in, in, this year!” – Julie LaFrance Funk

“Helga Bigfoot here, wife of Sidney Bigfoot. I know you think living in the Swiss Alps with the monster of your dreams is all fun and romance, but let me tell you, it’s hell keeping house for a man, err, semi-erect humanoid who refuses to bathe regularly and has massive claws for toenails. And if that’s not enough, every night when he gets home, all the neighborhood dogs start howling and yelping. Drives me crazy. So as soon as I get enough cash saved up, I’m out of here–off to my sister’s in Key West. Anyone want to buy an exclusive photo of Bigfoot himself?” – from PaMdora of www.pamrubert.com

Help! A yeti appropriated my sweater in progress and finished the front! Have some fondue! – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

“…next we braise the Yeti flanks in a flavorful white wine reduction, and serve with crackers!” – from Elissa at Special Sauce

Hmmmm. What knitter doesn’t love the prospect of being alone in a lovely hotel with only her knitting and the scenery to occupy her time? If anyone approaches you offering you an opportunity to “house sit” a grand old hotel during the off season in the winter BEWARE! Our next subject was not so lucky. Every knitter has a travel project in his/her suitcase. This is what happens when you take one to the Overlook Hotel.(www.kubrickfilms.warnerbros.com/video_detail/shining/) She’s obviously started a sweater for the cold weather. Something colorful that will go with everything. But as time passes and strange things start happening she gets more distracted from her knitting while at the same time being consumed by it. She has just finished the sleeves and attached them to the eight inch long collar and is preparing to cast on the body when things start going horribly wrong. A large supply of white fur materializes mysteriously in her room. She is driven to use it by evil yet powerful ghostly forces prompting her through psychological terror. By the end she has a sweater and she is snowbound in the beautiful yet frightening hotel. Both are not at all what she bargained for. Don’t let her suffering be for nothing; lets all learn
from this story: Don’t knit anything out of fear! – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

It didn’t take me long to tackle down that alpaca at all, and don’t worry – the doctor said it’s just a mild concussion and a case of really bad taste. – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

“I don’t miss Rufus. I feel that somehow, he’s always with me.” – from Julia at MothHeaven

Thanks again and watch your head on the way out!

 

Read ‘The Museum of Kitschy Stitches, Vol. VI – Special Guest Exhibit’

I'm busy. YOU do it!

Published on 16 Apr 2005 at 1:47 pm. 12 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

 

 

 

So here’s the deal. I’m busy. Really busy. So busy I can hardly stand it. This means that the Museum of Kitschy Stitches is temporarily on hold until I can reign in my ever-crapulating life. It will probably be back in full force next month, but I just can’t do it this month.

All together now: “Awwwwwww. But Stiiiitchyyyy . . . .”

Well, I must say that I’m more than flattered at the great feedback the MOKS has gotten. I love that you love it. And now it’s time for you all to give a little something back to me. It’s all about me, right? So here are four photos of some yarntrocities, without any snarky commentary from yours truly. This is where you come in. I have created a special email account where you will be sending me your very own commentary about these awful things. It’s StitchyIsLazyOopsIMeanBusy at yahoo.com (I replaced the @ with “at” to avoid crawlers, just make the substitution before you send the email). You can do just one, some, or all of them. Make sure you put the numbers by each bit of text so I know what it’s for. I will be posting all of the comments for each photo next week, so you have until next Saturday night (the 23rd) to get your comments in. If you want credit, put your name and blog address (if you have one) so everyone will be able to appreciate your brilliance.

There will be some sort of contesty facet to this, but I haven’t figured out that part yet. I’m not going to judge the best comments because I just don’t have the intestinal fortitude for that sort of thing. Also, I’m very selfish with my stash and can’t give something to everyone (but you’re all winners in my heart. You know that, don’t you?). I will probably do some kind of random drawing, but I’m like the wind. If the wind were a selfish, lazy bee-atch.

OK, people. Hop to it.

#1

 

#2

 

#3

 

#4

 

Read ‘I'm busy. YOU do it!’

Why I Love Me Some Charlene

Published on 6 Apr 2005 at 5:51 pm. 8 Comments.
Filed under Favorites.

 

 

 

I just had to share this email exchange Charlene and I have been having over the last hour or so. She is house-sitting for a girl she works with and I’m going to hang out with her tonight.

And now, the McYarnpants Email Theater is proud to present:

“Dinner at Andrea’s”

Charlene: So, should we get some food to take with us to Andrea’s tonight? I have until Friday when Weight Watchers starts to eat recklessly. Anything you’re in the mood for? I can meet you at home and we can drive over together.

Me: Well, I was going to make a salad with a leftover pork chop from last night for lunch, but we ended up getting Quiznos subs. It was a disappointment and I really was looking forward to pork chop salad. I could bring that and we can share it. Then it’ll counteract the effects of the giant hot fudge sundaes I think we should have. With maraschino cherries, even. Whole handfuls of them.

Charlene: Handfuls of cherries or handfuls of sundaes? Handfuls of everything I say! I have a couple of leftover sausages we could toss on the salad too. We’ll have to stop for sundae ingredients. There is mudslide mix at the house, Andrea insisted I have some before I go.

Me: Ooh! I forgot about the lovely, lovely sausages . . . Can we have caramel on our sundaes? I have some nuts at my house, too.

Charlene: Of course caramel! I mean, as long as there is whipped cream to balance the whole thing out.

Me: Obviously. The whipped cream is what makes it all work. That and the expensive premium iced cream we’re going to use.

Charlene: Nancy suggested perhaps we might also want some delicious shaved coconut as well. I must say I’ve never thought about that option, but I do believe coconut has fiber doesn’t it?

Me: Hmmmm. That might be interesting. I think I have some of that, as well. But it has sugar on it. Is that a problem? HA HA HA HA HA HA

Charlene: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: So coconut then?

Charlene: I can’t think of any reason why not.

It’s nice to have a friend who so truly and deeply understands me.

Read ‘Why I Love Me Some Charlene’

We Stitched, We Bitched, We Swapped!

Published on 4 Apr 2005 at 11:31 pm. 7 Comments.
Filed under Uncategorized.

Looking for a good time? Call a bunch of knitters! Seriously. I had the pleasure of hosting a small get-together on Saturday and it was such a blast! Know how I know it was good? Everyone’s husbands and/or boyfriends kept calling them and asking when they were coming home. Each devoted little knitter would say “Soon, honey! I’m leaving in a few minutes.” After about an hour, the men were calling again. “Put a sock in it, Mister. And I want the dishes done by the time I get home!” soon became the new battle cry.

And with each lovely knitter came delicious treats! I do love tasty treats. Melanie made strawberry-cinnamon muffins, Elisa brought a delightful selection of Japanese candies, including gummy “Fry Eggs” and some chocolate Melty Kisses. Wendy brought some brownies with Jr. Mints melted atop (great idea – I’m stealing it) and a fan-friggin-tastic Red Velvet cake with cream cheese frosting.

Ben brought a beautiful salad with almonds and currants and a bag of hazelnut chocolates and some soda to balance out the healthy effects of the salad. Maryse stopped at Trader Joes and got some sparkly Pear Apple and Raspberry juices and some fiber to help move all the other snacks along. She also gave me some cute sweater-shaped point protectors for circular needles! I probably forgot a bunch of things because there ended being a metric ton of food. It was perfect!

After noshing for a bit (noshing is when you cram as many handfuls of shrimp cocktail into your gullet as you can, right?), we got to knitting and chatting and laughing and general merry-making. Everyone got along great and time flew by. I even learned how to say everyone’s name properly!

Here’s Melanie knitting in front of the dollhouse Charlene’s grandfather made for her mother. Whenever one of the cats runs into the basement, they head right into this house. It’s cute until you try to pry them out.

 

And here are Ben, Elisa, and Wendy.

 

We were also joined by my friend, Charlene. She doesn’t knit, but she was working with needles and fiber, so we let her join our club. Here she is practicing embroidering a mascara wand. I’m going to knit and felt some cosmetic bags, she’s going to embroider them, and we’re going to sell them for our community group’s charity thingy this summer. My project on Saturday was to knit a panel that I later felted so she could practice on the real thing. I’m also happy to report that despite a raging tooth-ache, my sister-in-law, Shannon, was also able to enjoy the festivities. I think she’s ready to try cables after chatting with the ladies about it for a bit. Yay! (I didn’t get a picture of her alone, but you can see her behind the various Vanna’s below.) I tried to get Dot and Chi-Chi to join us, but they got freaked out and ran back upstairs. Pussies.

One of the highlights of the evening was the yarn swap. Everyone (well, almost everyone. I’m looking at you, Bags ‘n’ Trash) had packaged their yarn in pretty gift bags. I’m glad the party was at my place because I was able to run upstairs to get a pretty bag for mine. We did it Yankee Swap style, so everyone picked a number and we took turns selecting a bag of yarn. Each person was able to steal the previously selected yarn if she liked it better than the yarn she had selected herself. But who would ever do such a thing? Who would go to someone’s house and STEAL their YARN? What sort of pers . . .

Oh. I see.

 

Here is Elisa making off with my alpaca. You can’t see it in this picture, but my heart was broken. Smashed to bits. I did get three skeins of fluffy Jaeger Aero in return, so I will have mercy upon her soul. It’ll make a pair of great fuzzy mittens. That way, I won’t leave any fingerprints behind when I – oh, never you mind, dearies.

As each person selected their bag, I made them Vanna it for the pleasure if the entire internet. These girls can really work it! I’m going to try to post these in order of the picking. I’m probably wrong.

 

 

 

 

Everyone brought great stuff to swap, not a bad egg in the batch! I didn’t get pictures of everyone’s prize, but I did manage to capture Maryse doing a great Princess Leia impression with her newly-gotten wool booty. May the force be with you, mon cher.

 

The evening came to the perfect end when we all followed Rule #3 about meeting bloggers. The Sharpies came out, as did Wendy’s torso (one can only assume that her chest was full of other people signatures), and, well, I don’t have pictures, but she does (run, don’t walk, over there!) I think she should make this memory permanent. If only we knew someone who was married to a tattoo artist . . .

In summation, I’d like to say that you’ll never find a finer buncha knitters in the land, but I do recommend trying, because these get-togethers are loads of fun! I can’t wait for the next one! My rumpus room is ready for more rumping! Uhhh. I’m not really sure what that means. But when I find out, I’ll let you know!

 

Read ‘We Stitched, We Bitched, We Swapped!’